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Cleaning House

“The peas was so greasy and the meat was so fat
The boys were fightin’ Spaniards while I was fightin’ gnats
One morning, just (be)’fore day”

Charlie Poole and the North Carolina Ramblers, “If I Lose”. Recoded in the late 20’s or early 30’s

While I don’t know anyone who’s fighting Spaniards right now, and haven’t consumed any greasy peas that I can recollect (peas are bad enough on their own without adding grease to them), I have recently consumed fatty meat (yum-tastic!). I’ve also spent the past month or so fighting gnats, but not just before daybreak. It’s typically an ongoing/as needed (PRN for you drug addicts or clinical professionals out there), and I put the gloves on whenever the little monsters start flying around my head or falling in my drinks.

During the course of my own little “War on Terror,” I seem to have stumbled upon a strategy — built mostly from findings from the internet, and suggestions from family members — that has proven effective. If you have a child in diapers then you may have a Diaper Champ or some other similar thing that’s used primarily to prolong your trip to the main disposal unit that goes out to the curb once a week. If you have a cat, then you most likely have a litter box as well. Both of these things are ripe breeding grounds for gnats. Here are a few simple things that I’ve found effective:

1. Clean the litter box daily. This seems to be a key
2. Keep your kitchen sink free of dirty dishes, even if it’s just one. We are pretty meticulous about this, but every once in a while, a long day gets the best of us.
3. Keep some type of container filled with vinegar, cover it, and poke small holes in the cover. Evidently, gnats are attracted to the smell of vinegar. They enter the vessel through the small holes and end up falling in the vinegar, unable to escape. It’s probably an awful death, and a Buddhist would scold me, but a clean and sanitary home wins out in this case. Sorry, Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. I fully expect to experience the the bad kharma that’s due me. I might, however, argue that no sentient being would ever choose to breed in a pile of shit.
4. So far, the Diaper Champ we own seems to keep inbound gnats inside. Ideally we wouldn’t have one, and immediately take diapers to the main waste disposal. We, however, prefer to prolong the inevitable.

I agree that item four isn’t really a suggestion so much as an anecdote, but it’s my list and, therefore, my rules.

If you’re having gnat issues, give some of the above a try. Some may or may not be applicable to your situation, and I’m not guaranteeing any success. Based on empirical evidence in this household, we seem to have a working method in place.

There’s a goofy story here that relates to item three. One day, while a bit frustrated with the gnat situation, I posed the following question to Kandis:

Rob: “Say, honey, what evolutionary glitch do you suppose caused this creature to find that breeding in shit was acceptable?”

I thought it was a fairly intelligent question, but I was quickly reminded why Kandis is the more intelligent of the two of us.

Kandis: “Who says it’s a glitch? They always have a place to breed that way.”

Foiled again.

• Rob Parenting Community